the drawers are cleaned out and ready for the next occupant
the boxes are packed to be hauled home
the plants will soon be loaded into my car
and I am ready to close this chapter and start anew!
4 days left in my current office…
the drawers are cleaned out and ready for the next occupant the boxes are packed to be hauled home the plants will soon be loaded into my car and I am ready to close this chapter and start anew! 4 days left in my current office…
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oh friends! good news! I received my offer letter today for a terrific new job at a local nonprofit called Thrive by Five. I'll be the Senior Administrative Assistant, supporting the Deputy Director and Community Partnerships as well as coordinating the administrative staff. I start in two weeks. Wish me luck!
My little pagan circle celebrated Lughnasadh/Lammas this weekend. It's the first of three harvests that we recognize as pagans. I was high priestess, for the first time!, so it was also a big deal for me and the roles I play in our group. Lughnasadh/Lammas is a crossover holiday originally celebrated by pre-Christian society and later adopted by Christians. Lughnasadh began as a celebration of the god Lugh. He is described as a multi-talented, multi-skilled god, excelling in everything from swordsmanship and blacksmithing, to history, poetry, and harp playing. The holiday was either a recognition of his death day or that of his mother, depending on which accounts you read. It was honored with ritual games, religious ceremonies, matchmaking, legal contracts and more. The holiday also comes at the time of the first harvest, celebrating the abundance of the land and the ongoing survival of the people who depend upon it. Versions of this holiday continue with festivities in parts of Ireland today.
As Lammas, or "loaf-mass", the Christianized holiday focused more on the first fruits of the harvest. People made a loaf of bread from the early crop of grain and brought it to church to be blessed. It's rumored that the loaf was then carried home and used for magic. In our circle, we focused our attention on the harvest aspects of the holiday. We recognized the little crops coming up in our gardens and the seasonal fruit filling our grocery stores as well as the personal growth coming to fruition in our lives and the letting go of what has not bloomed in the time span that we had hoped. For our craft, we made smudge sticks. These small bundles of healing herbs, like rosemary, lavender, and sage, bound together with cotton thread, are used as a tool for cleansing a person or a space for sacred work and connection with the Divine. We also chanted together, raising energy to send to the children at the US border in the form of compassion and courage for the journeys yet ahead of them. We closed the circle with a potluck chat about what we are harvesting in our lives, both the tangibles like fresh zucchini picked that morning and the intangibles like gratitude. For my part, I served as high priestess for this ritual. I don't think of myself as a public, out-in-front leader, but in ritual the role is more subtle and supportive. It's about moving the group through the different pieces as the energy and attention of the people warrants. It's about holding space for folks to have time to complete a given piece and then host the transitions between pieces. So I guided the group from one focus or activity to the next. I also shared the meanings of the holiday, the attention we would be giving to it, and information about the Border Children to whom we were sending our energy and good will. But what about my harvests at this time? I've written a bit in other posts about the dreams I'm working on in this season of my life. This holiday offers a time to reflect on where I'm at in those projects and processes. I haven't lost the weight yet, which I shrilly lament, but I am harvesting better health thanks to the Kind Naturopaths and the Beloved Therapist. I'm still working on a Good Divorce with my ex. In my view, that would look like less cranky conflict and more clear communication and agreements. We're not quite there yet - and maybe we'll never be there but always working on it. As long as we can protect Little N from the conflict and crankiness I'll be able to call it good. I am finding my voice, again, too, a fresh harvest that I hadn't consciously planted but am grateful to find growing up through the cracks. I hear my voice becoming clearer and stronger in many places. In responding to my ex. In my journal. On this blog. Through my un/healthy habits. In our little pagan group. At my job. It requires good work for me to be able hear my own ideas, opinions, feelings, and perspective on a given experience and then give words to it out in the world. It makes a good rich harvest that I'll be tending for the rest of my life. What about you? What are you harvesting these days? This is what my fresh start looks like. I still have a lot of big emotions. I still feel stuck. I think it comes from all the changes this path of divorce and single parenting requires. Changes that I don't always feel in control of or like I'm directing. Emotions like loss and anxiety. A stuckness about being in limbo, between married and divorced, and not knowing what the future will be for me and Little N. Emotions that tend to flood me and wash me off of my chosen course.
And it's all ok. I'm learning that I can feel big emotions and take care of myself at the same time. Taking care of myself maybe the only realm I really have control of right now. And taking care of myself is good for both me and Little N. The better I get at feeling my big emotions while continuing to take good care of myself, the more full, real, and healthy I will be for today and for the future we grow into. So it's good work that I want to continue. Good work that is still important to me, despite (or proven by) a two-week setback.
I had a little chat with the Beloved Therapist this week about what set me on the binge. After some hemming and hawing, I admitted that I was (and am) very angry at my ex. The Beloved Therapist is always straight with me. She doesn't let me wiggle around stuff for very long. I told her I didn't know what to do with my feelings about my ex. What could I possibly do? So, I eat. She looked at me and said, "You're a very good writer. You could write it in your journal." She then continued to explain that I could talk to or write to my ex about the particular things that he's doing that bother me. The short version of her proposed solution - Use Your Words. My mouth is littered with little sores, which is what happens to me when there are words that I need to say but I bite them back, holding them inside rather than expressing them. It's a pretty direct message from my body to get the emotions and words out. (But it doesn't stop me from devouring food.) So I knew the Beloved Therapist was right. Right then, we talked out what I could write to my ex, in a simple email, that would address the most immediate concerns that are bugging me. I'm still sort of wondering what to do about our longer term, lingering issues. Though I suspect the answer might be the same - Use Your Words. The Beloved Therapist also suggested that I start to move my body more. As in exercise. She talked about joining a gym and working out as little as 15 minutes on a treadmill or elliptical machine. Ugh. A gym simply isn't in my budget or schedule right now. But, I am walking a leisurely 2 miles each day on my lunch break. And resuming my yoga practice continues to linger in the back of my mind. I used to do yoga every afternoon and it rendered me calm, clear headed, and ready to take on whatever came next. I miss that. Another, and exciting, thing that we talked about was taking me off of my multiple medications. But - and it's a big one - that can't happen until I am actively, consistently practicing expressing myself. Otherwise, I brood and bottle up, sabotage my best intentions for healthy happy living, and generally sink myself back into heavy slogging depression. With the promise of a drug-free future dangling before me, the proverbial "carrot" contrasted to the "stick" of depression, I'm inspired and motivated to develop this skill of healthy expression of the big feelings that challenge and upset me. It's not an overnight endeavor but one that I'm gradually waking up to, again and again, as I experience my feelings in my body and find my words. I've been so good for so many weeks. Alas, I fell into a 18-hour binge:
What triggered it? Mad cravings. Maybe it was smoking less. Maybe it was the Family Law Orientation class. Maybe it was the heatwave we're in the midst of. Maybe it was being "in control" all these weeks, doing the right thing by my diet. Maybe it's just an old habit rearing it's ugly head - reminding me that it's still here, still in me. That I'm still falling back on my addictions to get me through. Well, I'm back on track this evening. Drinking lots of water and packing a salad to enjoy at my friend's house tonight. I'm wondering about the relationship between starting a good new habit and managing my stress. It's not enough, apparently, to abide by the Kind Naturopath's diet, even when I have good results (more energy, clear mind, weight loss). I also need to choose and practice alternative ways to manage my stressors - my ex, the FLO class, my boss, the heatwave - or else the new good habit turns into one more demand on me. I don't have a good answer yet, and I need one. I should have taken a photo! But then you'd know exactly how much I weigh, which is 12 (TWELVE!) pounds less than I was a month ago but still more than I prefer to be. All that to say that I went back to the Kind Naturopaths this morning for a follow-up appointment.
Here's what I loved about today's appointment. I went in looking for next steps, having successfully adapted to the prescribed diet. I was (for no good reason) anticipating strict instructions to quit smoking and start exercising with vigor. But that's not what I got. Instead, I was met with gentleness, patience, and general kindness from the doctor. Through her treatment and conversation with me, she provided a good example of how I can treat my own body. To my smoking she said, "Not worried about it. When you're ready to quit, you'll quit." To my minimal exercise she said, "Don't stress about it. Keep walking and when you're ready add another walk or go a little further." Her whole approach was to keep the stress down and the success up. Each little step was praised and encouraged. Talking to a therapist? Applauded! Connected with a community? Right on! We're not shredding my body to be a bikini model on some urgent, immediate schedule. We're building sustainable changes for a healthy, happy, stress-managed life. So we're not going to make the things that are good for me into new stressors. Her last question of the appointment was the hardest for me to answer. "What are you doing for self care?" Blank stare. "What are you doing for you?" I wracked my brain. But there are several things I'm doing for me: the healthy diet, walking, book club, Ritual, and visiting with friends. What are you doing for self care? In Pagan practice we revere the natural world and the Divine spirit that imbues it. In ritual, our altar bears items for each of the four directions as well as the center. Each direction honors different aspects of nature and human life: the North is for earth and the body; the East is air and the intellect; the South is fire and passion and creativity; the West is water and emotions; the Center is held for Spirit. Setting the altar in this manner is one of the ways that we honor the multi-faceted wholeness of living in this world and living with Spirit. Creating an altar and using ritual items is also a way that we direct our hearts and minds to be present and attentive to Spirit during our time together. These tools aren't necessary all of the time, but we find that practicing with them helps us to get beyond our chattering minds and immediate consciousness to something deeper, something more true, a thread that binds the sacred and mundane together as one in our lives. At Summer Solstice, we recognize the longest day of sunlight, the shifting of the light to shorter days and longer nights, and the first fruits of the harvest. We give thanks for all that the sunlight sustains - including how good it feels on our faces and bodies! In this year's ritual, the first harvest included the gifts that we have received from the Divine to carry into our lives and to share with others. We honored this with readings, songs, and meditation. I selected the image above to meditate with. The image spoke to me about the next phase of my life as a single mother. The skull and the flowers represented the integration of masculine and feminine traits that I embody and balance as Little N's mom. The image also represented independence and endurance. These gifts from the Divine are the strengths that I will call upon as I proceed with the divorce, co-parenting with my ex, and mothering Little N. They are not strengths that I will have; they are strengths that I possess today and am continuing to develop and employ in the coming months and years. They are the strengths that I live with, guide my son with, and share with our friends and community. I've tacked this image up next to my desk as an ongoing reminder, for those days when I feel especially challenged and overwhelmed, of the strengths I have been granted. Following the good work of ritual is the good work of community. We "party like pagans" around a potluck table sharing food, conversation, and warm company. To me, this social time is as important as the spiritual time we inhabit together. This is when we catch up on each other's lives, cultivating our bonds as individual friends and as a cohesive little body. In this social time, we've celebrated births, jobs, and new partners. We've sympathized over losses and brainstormed solutions for each other's challenges. Our lives are enriched and sustained by both the spiritual work and the social work we practice.
As a Christian I'm hesitant to also call myself a Pagan. Frankly, I'm hesitant to apply any labels at all to my spirituality and identity. But this much I claim, in our little group I am met with both good Spirit and good Community. Meaning, this group, too, is one of my gifts from the Divine. Back in December I made a list of dreams for 2014. It's been a series of fits and starts as I make progress on these dreams. But this week, we are noticeably closer to two of them.
The other morning, Little N's dad signed the divorce papers and parenting plan so I am submitting them to the court tomorrow morning. It's one big step toward the Good Divorce that I'm dreaming of for our family. It's a formalizing with the legal and public world of what is already true in our private world. The marriage is over, but the family continues, albeit in an new form, but one equally committed to Little N's happiness and well being. Submitting the paperwork starts a 90-day waiting period before we go to court to finalize the divorce. And there are a couple classes to take in that time - one on Family Law and the other on Children and Divorce. So there are still steps to be made, but this submission to the court is a big one On the path of another dream, I'm starting to lose the weight! Finally! The Kind Naturopaths gave me a terrific and challenging list of foods to eat to help me shed the stress pounds and support my adrenal function. It's working! I'm in my newest pair of jeans and I can put them on without unbuttoning them. And I had to tighten my belt. Little things that encourage me to hold this course of a healthy diet. Back in April, I paused and considered the good work that I was doing toward my 2014 dreams. I still couldn't see any of the results. It was a dogged, baby-stepping, one-foot-in-front-of-the-other time. I found (and continue to find) encouragement in friends and family. Now I can look at the paperwork, and look at my own clothes, and be encouraged by the evidence I find there, too. Oh and there's so much work still to do. I need to find a way to pay for Little N's Summer Camp, and fix my car, and change my school loan payments, and figure out new health insurance for Little N… and what about community and retreats and writing…. It could overwhelm me. But I'm doing the work and getting results. So I know can continue to do so. |
About JenniOut of the Attic
This blog started in 2006
on Blogger as Out of the Attic. I began posting here in April 2014. Please visit the original site for the rest of the story on topics like: |