The Beloved Therapist is always straight with me. She doesn't let me wiggle around stuff for very long. I told her I didn't know what to do with my feelings about my ex. What could I possibly do? So, I eat. She looked at me and said, "You're a very good writer. You could write it in your journal." She then continued to explain that I could talk to or write to my ex about the particular things that he's doing that bother me. The short version of her proposed solution - Use Your Words.
My mouth is littered with little sores, which is what happens to me when there are words that I need to say but I bite them back, holding them inside rather than expressing them. It's a pretty direct message from my body to get the emotions and words out. (But it doesn't stop me from devouring food.) So I knew the Beloved Therapist was right.
Right then, we talked out what I could write to my ex, in a simple email, that would address the most immediate concerns that are bugging me. I'm still sort of wondering what to do about our longer term, lingering issues. Though I suspect the answer might be the same - Use Your Words.
The Beloved Therapist also suggested that I start to move my body more. As in exercise. She talked about joining a gym and working out as little as 15 minutes on a treadmill or elliptical machine. Ugh. A gym simply isn't in my budget or schedule right now. But, I am walking a leisurely 2 miles each day on my lunch break. And resuming my yoga practice continues to linger in the back of my mind. I used to do yoga every afternoon and it rendered me calm, clear headed, and ready to take on whatever came next. I miss that.
Another, and exciting, thing that we talked about was taking me off of my multiple medications. But - and it's a big one - that can't happen until I am actively, consistently practicing expressing myself. Otherwise, I brood and bottle up, sabotage my best intentions for healthy happy living, and generally sink myself back into heavy slogging depression. With the promise of a drug-free future dangling before me, the proverbial "carrot" contrasted to the "stick" of depression, I'm inspired and motivated to develop this skill of healthy expression of the big feelings that challenge and upset me. It's not an overnight endeavor but one that I'm gradually waking up to, again and again, as I experience my feelings in my body and find my words.